I have changed so much, and at the same time, not at all. Some days I feel stuck in my life, stuck in my own mind and my own fears, and other days I feel like I really really know what I want. Some days I want to be a different person altogether, and other days I would do anything to just be ME again. 

And some days, I feel so lonely, like someone that I want SO BADLY is missing, and I truly need to find him, or someone, ANYONE, or I am going to unravel. And other days….I still miss you. You seem like such a distant memory, something that I almost laugh at now. It seems so farfetched, the whole thing. How long I held onto it. Sometimes I wonder if it actually happened, and I fear that I made the whole thing up. It doesn’t seem real. But sometimes, I wish it was. I still miss you sometimes. I still miss who I was a year ago.

But maybe, I just miss the idea of you. the feelings that I had. The hope. The mystery. That lingering promise that I kept in a box in some dark corner of my mind, saving it for when I needed something to hold onto. My whole life before this year just feels like this tether that I would cling to when I was scared, or doubtful, or lost. 

Yes. I’ve changed. I must have changed. The box is slowly withering away. That corner isn’t so dark anymore. And the tether? I think it’s starting to fray. 

To say it simply: I’m letting you go. I’m letting ME go. I’m letting everything from the day I was born until about an hour ago blow away now. It’s time to go. The things worth keeping, the parts of me that will always be treasured don’t need a box. They can rest comfortably wherever they chose. Because what’s meant to stay inside of me will never leave. 

I’m letting go. I’m letting go. I’m letting go. 

Off I go. Where I fall, is where I land.